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Memorial days and anniversaries and birthdays and other such sundry annual signpost events are a singularly strange phenomenon. Why do we bother? What does it signify other than the fact that time marches on and we're collecting more lines on our faces and scars on our souls (hopefully getting a little wiser as a result). I mean, really? It's all a load of silly sentimental crap. I do, however, like the idea of honouring our ancestors. Remembering them. Celebrating them. It's just strange the we're supposed to have a special day to do that...

October 22 2005. The day that my father died of a broken heart - in all literal and physical ways it is possible to have a broken heart. A year on, and I trust that he is at peace, and with Mum, and that they are having a good old party. I miss them, and all their spectacularly beautiful, hedonistic flaws. Their absence hangs like a shadow in the corner of my eye.

As for those of us who remain.... well, life goes on. Right now, it's like swimming in mud. It hasn't been a good week and not just because of the impending memorial day. Some days it's just all too much, too familiar. The people around me and the troubles they have. The densely populated city I live in. The loved ones I miss. The language I can't speak. The great emptiness in my arms every night. The lips I can't kiss. The march of time. The approaching winter. The photographers block. The students who never learn. The global issues that get worse with every google-news refresh. Shit. I need more wine, I'm depressing myself even more.

What will I be doing on this first anniversary / honouring-the-ancestors day? Heading out to the old stomping ground in Yamanashi-ken to honour the spirits of my ancestors by enjoying the open skies, mountains, forests, lakes and spectacular views of Mt Fuji, having an onsen and drinking beer with an old friend. He has assured me that tofu, broccoli, beer and wine all come as a part of the accom on offer. Ha, he knows me (and my ancestors) too well. (Ok, ok, my direct ancestors would have been horrified by tofu and broccoli, but hey - the rest on offer would have worked well for them)

I LOVE this photo I took of Dad on Christmas Night back in 2004, pretty much the last time I was with him before he died. He was sitting very still so I could take the candlelit photo without using flash, so he's concentrating hard but you can just see a trace of that cheeky glint in his eyes. No doubt he was about to make some wise crack. Wish I could remember what it was.

frangipani wrote this on October 22, 2006 1:56 AM

Jackie said:

I have a few ideas of what he was about to say... Now, Martine, put that bloody camera down and pour me a rum and (diet) coke!
I can't believe it's a year. So sorry I can't be there for you honey, you seem a bit lost and sad. You'll bounce back you always do.
Sorry I haven't written. Not much to report just life and times....all good, all happy and about 11 weeks pregnant. Yes that's all. This is gonna take forever! Hannah is saying Marneen standing next to me......she is also saying num num num.....which roughly translates as "where the hell is my dinner?"
I'll write again soon.
Love you heaps and will make boots very soon!
Jackie

On October 23, 2006 6:23 PM,

Juggs said:

Martine,..

The last time I was in Tokyo, I got a good sense of the way it can be very lonely in that city some times. For it was the longest time I'd been away from my sweety in 15 years. But then I thought, if I had to be alone anywhere...well fuck me!...Tokyo's a pretty good place to be.

BUT!..

You ain't alone. Evette and I walked our last day around talking about how much of better group of friends you have (Kat and Darin alone are just the most beautiful people we;ve met in years), how better you look and how better you seem to be as a person. I've know you for years (boy we been through some crazy shit hey?) and I'd say you were the best I'd ever seen you in years. You looked great, felt great, and most of all,..sounded great.

Bad days come..but tomorrow is a new life.

Live it the best you can.

Love you..

- Juggs

On October 24, 2006 8:50 PM,

frangipani

said:

Sluggo, right on. I totally agree. I said Hi to Kawaguchiko for u. Definitely drank a few beers for u too....

Amanda, T, Nic, thanks.

Jackie & Juggs - my lovelies, it was just a bad week. Please don't worry! It wasn't meant to worry people, just a statement of passing facts and feelings. Like I said in the post - "it hasn't been a good week". I'm doin' OK now I've had some R'n'R out of town. Juggs, hope you don't mind that I deleted some of your comment - I'm pretty open here but I do like to keep some privacy...

And as for what Dad was about to say in the photo, I think you're right, Jack - we had one last rum... ;)

On October 24, 2006 9:52 PM,

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honouring the ancestors