Ok, have to be honest here. Having a bit of a melt down. An identity crisis. This messy living situation has kinda turned me inside out quite deeply. I don't know why it's affected me so badly - I've lived in much worse situations before. My physical body is a mess. I am getting recurring cankers inside my mouth, insomnia and appalling dry scalp. It's not pretty. I find myself constantly running in circles and wasting whole days just surfing the net aimlessly, getting absolutely nothing done. I am in the thick of thin things that accomplish and mean nothing. Ineffectual with a capital I.

Living with a genuinely mentally unwell person - slowly uncovering all their faults with growing irritation and aghast apprehension - without knowing that she is genuinely sick until very recently, has been a distressing process. It's made me think about how I played my part in all this. And about my past, how I have behaved in my relationships and innumerous share-houses. And my own dirty linen. That deep, musty closet of shameful secret acts and lies has been well aired this past week. It's been painful and powerful. I can feel my paradigms are shifting.

Why have I been unable to save money for so long when I am earning good money? Why have I still not restyled my site to the long term vision I've envisioned for it for so long? Why am I not studying more - Photography, Japanese, HTML/CSS, Design? Why do I still not truly live in truth? Yup. It's some heavy shit I'm consumed by. Funda-MENTAL!!!

I've never really been one for self help books (always thought they were kinda pathetic - if you can't work it out for yourself then what good are you?), but yesterday I spent a few hours at Shinjuku's Kinokuniya Bookstore, browsing the time-management shelves - inspired by 43 Folders and my need to make some big changes. I bought the one that seemed to offer the most holistic and practical advice - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I've been devouring it like a starving waif chows down at a loaded dining table.

I feel like these students of mine doing their early morning running training in the pics above, like I'm just taking off on a great big adventure. Only it ain't a race. Slow and steady - the only way to go. Extricate myself from the midst of all these thin things.

O Tok-i-o. How you're changing me.